Tactical Empathy
Really? We Shouldn't Have Empathy?
What is it with these alpha males saying empathy is out? Empathy is weakness, empathy is the problem. I hear that over and over from influential people. It’s plain wrong.
If empathy is the problem with the world, then why does the FBI teach tactical empathy to their agents? The only difference between tactical empathy and regular old empathy is strategy. If I’m an FBI hostage negotiator then I’m going to use tactical empathy to get everyone out alive. It means I have an objective. And it means I have a strategy to meet that objective.
If I’m talking to my buddy and he had a crappy day then I’m going to be empathetic. Of course I am. Because that’s my friend. And there’s a problem with that? Would I do anything different in business? Why?
If a potential client likes me, they’re 6 or 7 times more likely to do business with me. Do you know how I get them to like me? By impressing them? No. By being a human being and relating to them, connecting with them? Yes. That’s called empathy, and it’s not strategic, it’s just being a regular person.
Be human
Sympathy
If my friend calls me and says he just broke up with his girlfriend and I say, like a bad friend, “oh, man, that’s too bad…bummer” then that’s sympathy. Maybe I’m not such a great friend. If he says, “I just got the fork in the road email” or “oh man, I just got fired today” then it would be empathetic for me to say, “wow, brother, I’m sorry to hear that - I’ve been there”. That’s all I need to do to show any kind of empathy.
If I say, “aw it’s too bad, sorry to hear you got fired,” that’s sympathy. That’s fine, I’m not trying to berate you if that’s all you’ve got. Because maybe you never had a government job and were never told you might not have it anymore. So sympathy can be somewhat effective. So go for it, if that’s the best you can do. Not impressive, but maybe you’re trying.
Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.
- Brené Brown
But if there’s a chance for empathy and the person could use it, would you hold back? Would you treat your friend like a stranger and show them empathy when you could be showing them sympathy? And if so, why? What do you lose by admitting to your friend that you’ve been fired? It makes them feel better because they know you know what it’s like. What’s wrong with that?
Fear
I spend a lot of time writing about anxiety because I see it everywhere. I see it weaponized. It’s so clear that anxiety is used to help us excel, to produce more, or to keep us at the top of the pyramid. And I make a clear distinction, when I can, that fear and anxiety are different.
But sometimes it is fear that stops people from showing empathy. I think fear is weaponized as well. If your friend needs a friend and you don’t want to admit, to confess, that you’ve been fired then you’re depriving the both of you. You’re both being deprived of human connection.
If that’s your response, then you’re afraid. You’re afraid your friend will judge you. Why? Maybe you did something stupid to get fired and they just got laid off in a big group by no fault of their own. Maybe you’re embarrassed. Well, fair enough, but either way, it’s a connection that could be made, and you didn’t make it because you were afraid.
Being soft
I have a beef with several words. Laziness (which I posted a note about on 4/30/25) is one of them. People don’t know what it means to be lazy. If you were a plantation owner in 1800 in the American South and you thought your slaves were lazy, then you were stupid.
Productivity is another word that needs to be redefined. Luckily we have some smart people working on it. Cal Newport has a few books out about this - read Deep Work and Slow Productivity and get back to me.
Another word is soft. Back to that laziness note, if I’m in the gym lifting heavy iron then there’s nothing soft about me or anyone else there doing that. As long as we’re pushing it as hard as we can, and being careful not to be stupid or egotistical, then what’s soft about that?
We are a part of a culture that wants us to be anxious, think we are soft (so we can get harder), and to “otherize” people (by not being empathetic). You’re not hard if you decide not to have friends, you’re cold. You’re not smart if you bilk people out of their wealth by buying up their business and others like it, you’re greedy.
Don’t be stupid
Empathy isn’t soft
If you’re an FBI hostage negotiator working with a murdering rapist who has hostages at gunpoint, and you’re working hard to make them feel like you have a human connection with them, is that soft? Let me ask that again, because I think there might be some stupid people out there who want to be alpha and they think that the best way to negotiate with a hardened murderer is to sound harder than they are.
If you can get a murderer to drop his guard and not torture his kidnap victim, because you used tactical empathy to get them to trust you, is that soft? How “hard” do you have to be to get an FBI badge and become the point person working with someone who has taken hostages? You think that’s soft? If you think that’s soft then you might be stupid and I highly recommend you also read Chris Voss’ book, Never Split The Difference.
The beauty of empathy is that it doesn’t demand that you agree with the other person’s ideas.
- Chris Voss
Also check out his YouTube channel, The Black Swan Group. I shouldn’t say it’s his, but I believe he’s an owner in the company. They have fantastic videos about how to improve your negotiation skills. Tactical empathy is just one of them.
Don’t fool yourself
Before you go saying something stupid like, “but that's not empathy, tactical empathy is just a way to fool a criminal into trusting you” then stop. Because that would be a stupid thing to say. Don’t be stupid. Listen.
If you’re an FBI hostage negotiator and you use tactical empathy to get the mirror neurons of the criminal to respond because your actual empathy gets them to connect with you as a human, then you’re not lying to them. That bank robber or terrorist isn’t that stupid, because somehow they got that far.
They’re also really skeptical of you, because they know you’re trying to arrest them or kill them if necessary. Do you really think you can lie and last hours or days (or months) of negotiating by pulling a fast one? If they got into a bank and almost got away will millions then you have to respect them, and you have to work with them. If you don’t, people will die.
Do you like me calling you stupid? No, nobody likes being called stupid. And I haven’t, not necessarily, but I have suggested that certain things are stupid, and if you did those things then you obviously did something stupid. That’s okay, I’ve done stupid things too. It’s not too late for you. Do you see what I did there? That was empathy, did you miss it?
The other
And let’s be clear, there’s a difference, me saying that what you did is stupid, is very